life · psyche · thoughts

December 8, 2016: New year, new opportunity?

It’s been a busy, busy last two months. I feel guilty that I haven’t written anything, and even now I feel like I’m stealing time to sit down and write.

That diagnosis of Asperger’s is provisional, and I did meet with the psychologist I was referred to from the neuropsychologist. The new guy is young, but he specializes in Asperger’s, ADD, and anxiety, all of which I have. The only thing I’m not is “pediatric”, and this provider’s office is in a Pediatrics office. I’m breaking new ground here, being an adult with Asperger’s! But I’ve always lived at the edge of new things.

Anyway, Dr. New Guy is cool. I mean, he’s just cool, in a young-father type of way. He tells me he can stop a screaming handicapped pre-teen; I’m hoping he can help me keep whatever major job I land. Getting the job is not as hard as keeping a job, I’ve found. So I made a 2nd appointment for next week. I have to tell Dr. New Guy that I can’t f*ck my life up again. I have to get straightened out.

My temp job where I sit at a computer all day is great. I have minimal interruptions and at-will human interactions. I am shut behind a locked office door. I have my own cubicle with lots of space. My office-mates keep the harsh fluorescent lights off, and gently light up the place with string lights. We can wear headphones/earbuds. I love it.

At first I made spreadsheets, then I researched and documented (on a spreadsheet) Web 2.0 test engines (about 20) over about 20 desired functionalities and narrowed it down to a top three (at which point I presented them, and one was chosen by a group of invested parties at my suggestion), then I moved onto using this test engine, which of course also involves the rest of the class content… which led me to design web pages. Yes, I am finally designing web pages. Looking back over the less than two months, I’m amazed that I could do all this, and yet, I have only a couple of weeks of work-time left in December to finish two sets of web pages and completely enter in about 300+ questions… eek!

I worry because today I was informally extended a job offer for another department. This position is permanent, and I went through four interviews over 1.5 months to get to this point. At the last interview last night, I mentioned that I had projects I wanted to finish, so a good start point would be the new year. They are cool with that. This new department is growing fast. It’s international. It’s technology driven. Everyone does their own thing, there is no one babysitting you, you can work from home if you’re sick, just get your work done. A big part of the job is to help other people find information they need. Well… I am good at finding things… I just found a test engine for my department two weeks ago! I can immerse myself in a project for weeks, to build something from scratch, like I’m doing now with these web pages. (Believe it or not, no one has made web pages for my particular department in this way before.)

Honestly, I had no idea it would get to this point – the interviewers were so impressive that I kinda told myself, “No way they’re going to want to hire little old me!” Everyone was so smart, so educated, with their PhDs, and here I sit with my random Bachelor’s degrees, checkered resume, an interest in esoteric, off-the-road subjects, plus a ton of ADD with a sprinkling of Asperger’s. What could I possibly do to help these smart people?

Upon the formal offer, I’ll have to tell my current job. Nothing in life really happens unless it’s on paper, or maybe in this day and age, saved into a database (with technology moving forward so fast and paper becoming obsolete, what will we use to confirm that something actually happened?). Meanwhile I’m going to oscillate between feelings of excitement to feelings of terror.

I’m scared of having some free reign and not being micromanaged. I’m scared I’ll fail. Yet, perhaps this new concept of not being micromanaged will do me (and others) good. I don’t perform well being micromanaged. And I hope the interviewers took it to heart when I said, “What I really want to do with my life is to figure things out.”

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