life · thoughts

So What Now?

It’s been a week or so since that last, terrible post, and I’m still here. There was that night when I felt shocked/numb, then that morning, on the way to work, while driving, I started to cry. I cried halfway to work, and kept crying. I stopped, promised to work the morning if I could take half a day off to regroup and digest.

That half a day worked. My anxiety was peaking by the time I left, so I wandered Target for an hour an a half until I felt too hungry to stay out. I went home to call the list of referred therapists and to do paperwork. It felt a little better to have a plan.

Finally, after the initial list of four therapists turned into eight, did I find one who accepted my insurance and had time — at the right time– to see me. So that is set, unless the chemistry is off. Then it’s back to square one.

However, the Employee Mental Health place called me back, specifically, the other provider in that office called me, saying she is unhappy with the way I was treated and that she would like to continue to treat me. So that’s good. I met with her for 30 minutes and gave as much information as I could, which included my life story, and how I came to be there. It was a very brief life story. Next meeting is on my next vacation day.

Then the State Disability Department (for short) got in touch with me (or I with her, I forget, damn this memory) and I have an appointment with a disability counselor also. This person needs the Mental Health portion of my application completed to see if I qualify for any disability benefits, and I hope the fact that we’re trying to figure out my disability(ies) doesn’t hurt me. So I’m handing out that mental health form like it’s a politician’s poster, hoping everyone can chime in to call me disabled. (Although, in my normal life, my partner thinks I am the same person I was years ago; my coworkers don’t feel that I’m disabled…)

And during next week I am a psychiatrist and a neurologist; the week after, my primary care, who wants to know what everyone else said/suggested.

Between everybody, somebody’s got to have a clue.

If not, then someone is hallucinating everything, and I hope it’s not me.


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