Today one of my coworkers — the major, long-standing, keeps-the-place-together coworker, let’s call her #1 — told everyone she would be leaving her job at my place to another one at the end of the week. Another coworker, a new-ish one but with two decades of experience (#2), confided in me that she was thinking of leaving because #1 was leaving. There is another full-timer (#3), who is leaving to staff a new location opening up soon. Then there are two part-timers (4 and 5) who together make up one full-time position. One of these part-timers might leave, but that’s through the grapevine. Then there’s me.

Whoever is in charge doesn’t know #2 and 4 might leave. They know #3 is leaving. And they are trying to get rid of me because I can’t do things the way they want me to. Or because I just can’t do the executive function thing. Or because I’m actually Asperger’s, or whatever, I don’t know… defective.

Nonetheless, after learning #1 is leaving, I still got an update that “they” are looking for a place for me elsewhere. The Disability department is “working on it”. I’m still in limbo, with no leave date, a shitty evaluation, and still nothing to tell me how to fix my wrongness. I wonder if they’ll find me as useless when they know that #2 and maybe #4 might leave. I wonder if they’ll try to get rid of me anyway, because they think I’m worth less than empty air, that it’s better to be way understaffed than to have me around.

It all makes me so, so sad today. I sat down at the edge of my bed today and sobbed. I thought about just saying “Fuck it” and spending everything in my bank account to fly to volunteer for Doctors Without Borders in the worst war zones in the world, hoping that I’d get blown up, knowing that at least I’d be helping someone else while I die. Then I wonder if they’ll even want me, desperate as they are. Despite my coworker #2 who likes me and will put in a good word for me at wherever she ends up, nothing is certain. It seems like I have little or no place in this world.

I thought about The Bridge. I also thought of my family. I thought of all the crazy things I could do. Wing-suit flying. Free soloing. Base jumping.If I have nothing else to live for at least I can go out with a bang.


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