Friday night my pens and new journal arrived, and I got right down into it. I haven’t done a written journal for so long that the first blank pages intimidated me, and I didn’t want to mess up “pristine space”! What helped is just replaying Ryder Carroll’s Bullet Journal Video and just starting off like he did, with an index and future log.
I know when one starts off with creating your own journal, it’s all about experimenting with different styles and layouts until you find the Happy Place. I’m definitely not there yet.
The next big step (other than starting) is to refine my layout. I’ve been looking at other people’s layouts and a lot of them draw out the whole week ahead of time. I have no idea how they know how much space they need ahead of time. Me? I wrote a lot more yesterday than I would have given myself space for. However, I do like a week-at-a-glance to orient myself in time (me and time are not friends). One idea I got was to try a week on a bookmark, which I’ll try this week.
I have other lists and ideas in this journal, too, and I’m really liking that everything I do/think about can find a space. These random lists make me feel somewhat chaotic (going from “blood pressure log” to “daily log” to “books I want to read”) within the journal, but at least I’m not carrying around these lists in my brain. All in all, I don’t feel more in control of my life today, or since I started this journal. But at least I feel like my mind isn’t as full as it was. I’ve been holding lists in my head for who knows how long. Now that my life is experiencing a slow-motion 10.0-Richter scale earthquake, having something to keep the detritus out of my head helps.
Lastly, I found that I am having a harder time doing is “diary writing” in which I bare my soul to the page. I used to vent into journals as a child, but I’ve lost the knack over a lifetime. Everything got internalized, then buried. It seems that I’ve lost touch with myself along the way as well, and recently have sunk into a depression. I know it will be good for me to reconnect with myself, but it’s scary, painful, ugly, and I don’t want to beat a dead horse. But my therapist is going to take me on this journey and I am curious to see what the other side feels like. So, I’m hoping this last piece — the soul-baring — doesn’t get left behind. I’ve got to remind myself in the journal now: don’t leave yourself behind.